


The Bitter, the Sweet, and the Salty

by arienai



Series: Bosselot Week 2016 [5]
Category: Metal Gear
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 17:10:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8586850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arienai/pseuds/arienai
Summary: Revolver Ocelot continues his problematic appropriation of American culture to tell a story about two lovers born on the wrong side of the map.Kaz has to suffer through it.





	

19/09/1984 18:30-19:50 Transcript

 **Ocelot:** Security looks pretty tight, Boss. Might be best if you wait until nightfall.

 **Venom:** *rustle* *hum* Yeah. At least until the guards change shifts.

 **Miller:** You're in a pretty secure location, right Snake? Instead of using your Phantom Cigar, why not take a nap? You haven't slept in 24 hours.

 **Venom:** I don't know, Kaz. Maybe--

 **Ocelot:** You're not his mother, Miller. He'll decide when he's tired.

 **Miller:** Going this long without sleep will decrease your accuracy, your reflexes, _and_ your endurance. If you have a few hours to kill, you should sleep.

 **Ocelot:** You might miss out on important events or transactions if you do that. Those could provide us with useful intel.

 **Miller:** Intelligence reports indicate no special activity in the area. You won't miss anything.

 **Ocelot:** You can't know that for sure. It won't take long to set up an OP. You can rest there.

 **Miller:** You don't need an OP. Go to sleep, Snake.

 **Ocelot:** Sleep when you're back in the ACC, Boss.

 **Miller:** _Boss_ , you--

 **Ocelot:** \--should--

 **Venom:** *sigh*

 **Miller:** ...You're setting up an OP.

 **Venom:** What if we miss something, Kaz?

 **Miller:** Hnnghh.

 **Ocelot:** Good call, Boss. That outcropping on the cliff to the north should provide you with a tactical advantage.

 **Miller:** Oooh, he's right, Boss. Go for the high ground with cover. After that he'll explain to you how to look both ways before you cross the street.

 **Venom:** *thump* *scrape* *rustle*

 **Ocelot:** *pour* *sip*

 **Miller:** *yawn* *scratch*

[30 minutes elapsed]

 **Venom:** I see some activity. Two of them have broken off from the others.

 **Miller:** Foot patrol?

 **Ocelot:** No. They're not headed up the road. That's not an alert posture. I think--

 **Venom:** *cough* Yeah. It's... not a patrol.

 **Miller:** Zoom in? I can't make anything out.

 **Venom:** Uh...

 **Ocelot:** I worry about what the men might think of you if you start collecting that kind of footage.

 **Miller:** That kind of-- ...oh.

 **Venom:** They're kissing, Kaz.

 **Ocelot:** Just kissing?

 **Miller:** Why, were you hoping for a show?

 **Ocelot:** I'm just saying that the Boss might be mistaken about what's really going on here. It might _look_ like they're kissing, to be sure, but he lacks an appreciation of the subtleties of Russian culture.

 **Miller:** Yeah, that's what I'm seeing right now. A cultural misunderstanding. Involving tongues.

 **Ocelot:** We're a very warm and welcoming people. We don't have degenerates like you have in West. It's all in your depraved capitalist mind, Miller.

 **Miller:** Uh huh. That's exactly what I learned on my vacation at the Wakh Sind Barracks. You're the perfect cultural ambassador.

 **Ocelot:** Now now, my people's hospitality is legendary. You make people feel at home by offering them the treatment to which they're accustomed.

 **Miller:** *SCRAPE*

 **Venom:** Ocelot. Dial it down.

 **Ocelot:** Yes, Boss.

 **Venom:** ...It looks pretty innocent, actually.

 **Miller:** Good. I'm glad you stayed up for this. You can give us a play-by-play.

 **Ocelot:** I think this is the first time they've done this. You remember your first kiss, Miller?

 **Miller:** With who?

 **Ocelot:** In general. I understand if you don't want your personal life with the Boss on record.

 **Miller:** That's good. There's nothing worse than unprofessional radio chatter.

 **Ocelot:** You're stalling.

 **Miller:** No. I don't. ...Of course I don't, it was decades ago.

 **Ocelot:** Uh huh. That's probably why.

 **Venom:** *chuckle* It's okay Kaz, I don't remember mine, either.

 **Miller:** *shuffle*

 **Ocelot:** *creak*

 **Venom:** What about you, Ocelot?

 **Ocelot:** Me? Mine was with my true love, of course.

 **Venom:** Really? I'd like to--

 **Miller:** Hnngh. Don't--

 **Venom:** \--hear that story.

 **Ocelot:** Would you, now?

 **Venom:** I don't know anything about your love life, Ocelot.

 **Ocelot:** Well, if you insist. Might require me to set the stage, though.

 **Miller:** _Everything_ he is about to tell you will be bullshit, Boss.

 **Ocelot:** It was about a score of years ago, I reckon, before we all left to seek our fortunes out West.

 **Miller:** _What._

 **Ocelot:** Those were the war days, when such hostilities occurred as pit brother against brother not for God and glory but for the survival of our great Republic and its future. I was a simple lieutenant back then, new to my commission as the officer in command of the 41st Louisiana Wild Cats. We served under Colonel Yevgeny Borisovitch Jackson.

 **Miller:** Only you can stop this, Snake. Please.

 **Ocelot:** I was on foot patrol with my best men when we heard the cry of a lady in distress. I made haste to her side while my men surrounded the scoundrels what had beset upon her. Bandits, thieves, and ne'erdowells all, but I could not take my eyes off her, for she was the loveliest girl I ever saw.

 **Venom:** Oh yeah? Pretty hot?

 **Ocelot:** Eyes as blue as the summer sky with dark chestnut tresses. Sturdy and powerful, yet of such a feminine disposition as could make men fall to their knees and praise her: generous thighs and wide hips, and - if you won't think me too vulgar - a bountiful bosom, too. Her smile was the smile of a woman grown who'd seen the world yet retained the full measure of her winsome coquetry.

 **Venom:** Is she still cute?

 **Ocelot:** Like the day I met her.

 **Venom:** ...Thanks, Ocelot.

 **Ocelot:** *clink clink clink* As an officer and gentleman, I made myself heard on the approach so that these miscreants could face me fairly. 'Ma'am,' I said, tipping my hat to--

 **Miller:** Now that's smooth. Women love to be called 'ma'am'.

 **Ocelot:** On account of her being ten years my senior, 'miss' wouldn't hardly be respectful, now would it?

 **Miller:** Oh, I see. This is the tale of the cougar attack that changed your life. Do go on.

 **Ocelot:** 'Ma'am,' I said, 'Are these folks bothering you?' I expected to see a representative of the gentler sex in no small measure of discomfort at her circumstances, yet no tears did she shed. She stood there defiant as Lady Liberty, a fire in her gaze that belied the passion in her soul.

 **Ocelot:** *rustle* *click click click* No sooner had I spoken than their weapons were turned upon me. 'Back to the alleys with you, mangy pest,' they said, 'This harlot's no lady. She's a Yankee spy. And her bounty belongs to us.'

 **Venom:** I like how he does the different voices.

 **Miller:** I like how I had to put up with this shit for a decade.

 **Ocelot:** As much as I might find unmanly this use of their womenfolk by the Union, and as much as I could let slide these insults on my own person, I would not suffer them on her character. With all the gravity I could muster, I said, 'Any man I see after the count of five will be dead where he stands.'

 **Ocelot:** 'One.' I could see the sweat on their faces, and their hands shook as they aimed at me. *rattle rattle*

 **Ocelot:** 'Two.' I laid my hand to rest above my holster, hat in hand. *creak*

 **Ocelot:** 'Three.' *click* They aimed their weapons and I could see that they meant to fire.

 **Miller:** Why didn't they fire _before you_.

 **Venom:** Sssssh.

 **Ocelot:** 'Four.' The wind blew through the leaves as I stared each of them in the eyes. *rustle rustle*

 **Miller:** If you start firing live rounds in the signals room, I'm going to shove that revolver up your--

 **Ocelot:** 'Five!' I tossed my hat up in the air, and *BANG BANG BANG* all of those unfortunate souls had departed before it landed. I stooped to dust it off and replaced it to my head, then called my men out of hiding with the cry of a wildcat.

 **Venom:** ...Can you do it? For me?

 **Ocelot:** Of course, Boss. *MROOOOWRR*

 **Miller:** Ha... hahahah. *thump thump* Are you _serious_ , right now? Hahahahahah holy shit. By the way there, Handgun Puma, you forgot to cock the hammer between 'shots'. I think the bandits got you.

 **Ocelot:** No, I didn't. You see, I had prior to then captured an enemy--

 **Venom:** The Beaumont-Adams, Kaz. It's double-action. That's why you heard him cock it first by hand, on three. The other shots were cocked with the trigger pull.

 **Ocelot:** Good ear, Boss.

 **Miller:** I hate both of you.

 **Venom:** So she kissed you because you rescued her?

 **Ocelot:** I could hardly fall for a woman so free with her affections, could I? Yet this rare beauty, she neither swooned with fright nor shook with terror, and when I approached her and could see that she was armed, I began to suspect there was some truth to those men's accusations. 'Now ma'am,' I told her comfortingly, 'My men and I will escort you to a place of safety. No harm will come to you under our protection. But I'm afraid I must insist upon it.'

 **Miller:** Didn't they hang spies back then?

 **Venom:** Pretty sure they did.

 **Miller:** ...Hey Boss, I just had this great idea for throwback thursdays.

 **Venom:** _Kaz_.

 **Ocelot:** Maybe so, but at the time, I had no intention of seeing her come to such an end. Outgunned and outnumbered, there was nothing but steel in her gaze so I brought my own arms to bear. It was to be a warning shot, nothing more. I did not think that she would startle, merely understand the seriousness of my intentions. I pulled the trigger-- *CLICK*

 **Miller:** Do revolvers even jam?

 **Venom:** Yes--

 **Ocelot:** Yes. But--

 **Venom:** That isn't what happened. This was probably a spring failure. Pretty common in double-action revolvers of the era, especially when rapidly fired and reset in a short period of time. To shoot that quickly you weren't doing full trigger pulls either, were you? That's asking to have the spring fail. The single-action would still be functional, but you forgot to cock it again.

 **Ocelot:** \--She said, in the sweetest voice I ever heard. While twisting my arm and before I knew it, what I'd kissed was the ground, and she disarmed the rest of my men just as handily. She'd unmanned us all. The last thing I could recall was the face of this vision of the Valkyries, standing over me to offer a balm to soothe my wounded pride:

 **Venom:** ...But that was some fancy shooting. You're pretty good.

 **Miller:** Why didn't she kill you? Would that have solved too many problems?

 **Ocelot:** Way I reckon, she was as taken with me as I was smitten with her.

 **Venom:** ...Yeah. ...I mean, Kaz, he did just save her life.

 **Miller:** Through stupidity.

 **Ocelot:** Whatever the truth, a spy she was indeed. She wreaked havoc on the forward line, and I swore that I would atone for my failure by being the man to bring her to justice. I tracked her, we dueled, and she gave me the slip, every time. And each time my heart grew ever fonder.

 **Venom:** Aw shucks.

 **Miller:** Don't you start.

 **Ocelot:** I learned, you see, that her tale was a tragic one: the man she admired most in this world, her father not by blood but by affection, had turned coat and joined our Confederacy. This would turn out to be a cruel fiction penned by the Union to buy his way into our ranks, but neither of us knew it at the time. I felt for her so keenly as I shadowed her footsteps that I ignored the perilousness of my path, and did quarrel relentlessly with my superiors over her treatment.

 **Miller:** Was this before or after you shot her eye out?

 **Ocelot:** The night in question, I'd hoped the cool air might clear my head. I followed my restless thoughts down to the riverbank, where winding water washed quietly over the whispering of the crickets and the muted murmurs of the cattails as they waved in the evening wind. *soft whistle*

 **Venom:** ...Mm. That's really impressive. How do you make that sound?

 **Ocelot:** I could teach you how, Boss.

 **Venom:** Maybe later. *yawn* Just... keep going?

 **Ocelot:** They sky had drawn a blanket of clouds over the stars. Their grey light filtered through gauze retired the weary colours of day from the landscape. So subtle was she that only in this supreme stillness could I chance to hear her tender tears. I found her beneath the branches of willow tree, weeping.

[20 seconds elapsed]

 **Ocelot:** I could see it was the battlefield that had made us enemies, not our natures. Her heart was the mirror of my own.

 **Venom:** ... ...Sorry, what was that, Ocelot?

 **Ocelot:** *quietly* And my heart wept with her. So far from home, sent to wander a lonesome road with naught but fickle companions to guide her, who would as soon betray her or use her talents and fortune for their own ends. No words we spoke, but I swore, with the softness of my lips and my hands on her shoulders in the faintest of moonlight, that I would be steadfast. She thanked me with the press of hers.

 **Venom:** ...What happened to the girl...?

 **Ocelot:** Oh, she's still the love of my life. I would walk into fire for her. I would brave any storm; I would drown in the depths of the sea. I would hold her hand while she slept and comfort her through any sickness. No task done in her name would be beneath me, no feat above my talents when she required it. I have the strength of a thousand soldiers when I defend her, and the patience of a thousand priests when she wants me to wait. If ever she fell into the wrong hands I would duel the Devil himself to save her, even if it destroyed me.

[40 seconds elapsed]

 **Venom:** *soft breathing*

 **Ocelot:** All right, he's asleep. You can head off to bed now Miller.

 **Miller:** *shuffle* You go. You must be tired from coming up with all that crap.

 **Ocelot:** *soft scrape* *thump* Thank you kindly.

 **Miller:** If you don't stop talking like that I'll change my mind.

 **Ocelot:** You don't like my stories? *jingle jingle* Suit yourself.

 **Miller:** *sigh* *rustle* Did you actually mean any of it?

[10 seconds elapsed]

 **Ocelot:** Every word.

*creak*

 **Miller:** You know that Beaumont-Adams' don't have trigger springs, right? They use drivers. 

**Ocelot:** *chuckle* Of course I do.

*woosh* *click*

**Author's Note:**

> That's the last one. Thanks for coming along for the ride, folks. Back to my regularly scheduled programming.


End file.
